A Summer Pause
Getting honest about what I need right now
I've hit a wall. I have been finding myself unable to sit down to write and when I manage to actually sit down, I spend the time staring at a blank page. I don't know what to write. My inspiration feels empty. I dabble in unfinished works or ideas I've jotted down and find myself going nowhere. The words….won't…flow.
When I sat down to explore why, two thoughts came through: 1) I'm still too focused on publishing and 2) I haven't given myself a chance to truly find my voice.
I had thought that being on Substack would help me feel accountable to my writing practice and while it has helped, the motivation hasn't lasted. After the shiny newness wore off, I was still faced with the two issues above. If I really get honest with myself, it's clear to me that having a public platform brings out all of my good girl, perfectionist, good student tendencies to perform. I am really struggling to step away from these tendencies and simply write. In my last post I peeled the first layer on this onion and suggested that "I focus more on the words that are there waiting and less on trying to morph them into something consumable. It may also mean sharing less for now. I may be quiet."
Well, the hard truth seems to be that I cannot focus on the words that are there waiting when I have a public platform to show up to. If I commit to sharing regularly right now I will not be able to step away from the performance of it all. I have tried and I have failed. If I want to ensure my truest voice comes through, I need to step back and give that voice a place with no expectations.
A summer pause feels right for this. I will be busy with kids home and travel anyway. I will still be on Substack as a reader, as this is such a lovely place to hang out. I'd like to keep building a community here and soaking up all that people are sharing, but I will not be posting. Or, I should say, I have no plans to post regularly. I am giving myself permission to step away and focus solely on writing.
For this summer I will court my voice, dance with her, go deep with her. I will give her my full attention. My hope is that over time she will be more clear to me and let me know when she is ready to dance with you.
I thank you all for being here. There is a part of me that feels that I've failed before I've even started, but I am so inspired by many others here who are experimenting, pivoting, and showing up authentically. Stepping away feels like what I need right now, so that is what I'll do.
Some pieces that are inspiring me to be true:
talking about a turning off paid subscriptions. getting honest about the pressure (self-imposed or not) to produce. sharing about being a highly sensitive writer. I relate so much to all of this!
I'm curious - how do YOU balance the expectations to show up to your readers with the needs of yourself as a writer? Do you struggle to curb a desire to perform? I'd love to know!
Hugs,
Kim :)
Love this. Inspiring that you’re giving yourself exactly what you need, and listening to your inner knowing.
I totally get it. I wrote a few Substacks, but haven't in months. We have to be gentle with ourselves!