Belonging to Ourselves: Step 1 - KNOW

the journey to our authentic selves

Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash

I'm doing a little series here on belonging to ourselves. If you missed my last post, which was a bit of an overview, you may want to start there. Today, I'm going to dive deeper into getting to know ourselves.

Getting to Know You, Getting to Know All About You

We each come to this process of getting to know ourselves in a different way. It happens in some ways as part of our coming of age, when we individuate and begin to learn who we are without our parents. Sometimes a significant change in our lives or a diagnosis causes us to re-assess what we understand about ourselves. Sometimes we merely hear a whisper, inviting us into something different. Other times it feels like a bull horn, forcing us in a different direction. However we come to it, getting to know ourselves is a key part of feeling belonging with ourselves.

So what happens when we find ourselves in a place where we realize the person we thought we were isn't really the full story? For myself, getting to know the full story has come through a LOT of self-inquiry. It started with writing. Even at a young age, I wrote poetry and in my diary as a way to make sense of what I was feeling and experiencing. As an adult, I used those same tools to explore who I was if I set aside all of the ideas I had learned about who I was "supposed" to be. This inquiry continues. I'm not sure the work is ever done.

Getting to Know my Garden Council

This past month I made my way through Leesa Renee Hall's Workbook Inner Field Trip along with others in her community. This workbook has been taking me on a journey towards being a better ancestor. I've been exploring ways that traits of the dominant culture like perfectionism, harshness, people pleasing, and weaponized kindness show up for me. Towards the end, there was a series of exercises designed to help me continue with this work, including an exploration of what Leesa has called my Inner Trail Crew. I've since named them 'The Garden Council.' My council is a trio (sometimes more) of voices that make up my inner world. There's the voice that upholds all of the stories and messages I've learned from my upbringing and the surrounding culture, the voice of wisdom gained from life experience and those who came before me, and the voice of my most authentic self.

I imagine this trio hanging on in my own Garden of Belonging, tending to the space. There's Penny who is rushing around, ensuring the walls are secure and everything is safe and harmonious. She has a very urgent and fearful energy, as if at any moment our peaceful little garden will collapse and we will be exposed to all sort of horrors. Reija is sitting serenely under the great oak tree cleaning her paws. She happens to be a black panther. Reija's energy is grounded, wise, confident, and soothing. Reija has shown up in multiple pieces of my writing, I've noticed. Finally, sitting on a bench is my authentic self. She has a quiet, small, and decidedly unsure energy to her. Her eyes dart between Penny and Reija, unsure which has the right idea. Penny calls out to her deepest fears while Reija calls to a part of her that is fed up with trying to be someone she's not.

Each of the voices in my council is important, the problem has been that Penny speaks the loudest and has been the most insistent. My journey through the workbook has been about giving her a chance to say her peace while really looking at the ways she's been leading me astray. The hope is that she settles a bit and I can better leverage her desire to keep me safe and informed while getting more chance to hear the voices of the rest of the council. My hope is that over time my authentic self will feel bigger, stronger, and more resilient.

This is just one example of the ways I get to KNOW myself.

Getting to Know YOU Tools

Other things that I've found helpful:

• Enneagram - this has felt surprisingly accurate to my personality

• Personality Typing

• Human Design - while based mostly on astrology and not up everyone's alley, I've been surprised by how something somewhat mystical has really affirmed some of the things about myself that I used to see as problematic.

• Journaling

• Meditation

• Creative pursuits

• Therapy

• Spirituality/Religion

• Women's Circles

• Exploring ancestry and the cultures of my ancestors

• Hearing other people's stories - check out season one of my podcast where I ask these questions:

  • What do the words "Your Truest Voice" mean to you?

  • What holds you back from using your voice?

  • What helps you free you voice and what do you gain from doing so?

  • What voices do you think the world needs to hear from more?

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How about you? What has helped you get to know yourself? I’d love to hear.