The journey of belonging to ourselves

the cyclical journey of knowing, loving, trusting, and expressing ourselves

On February 10th of last year I wrote my first newsletter here which I called The Messy Middle. At the time I felt a renewed sense of longing to write more and I felt smack-dab in the midst of the messiness of midlife, parenting, and coming out of a global pandemic. I had been seeing other newsletters I subscribed to move to Substack and figured I'd have a go there. I'm a sucker for the new shiny. It's been a year-long journey of fits and starts, definitely messy, and has been the ongoing work of finding my voice.

While I don't feel a deep sense of clarity a year in, in September I managed to hone in on some of the main themes I tend to write about and re-named the newsletter The Garden of Belonging, a name that's actually been with me since 2020. Here in The Garden of Belonging, I want to write stories and letters about belonging to ourselves. So, it seems like a good time to dive in on that topic.

What does it mean to belong to ourselves?

I suspect we each have our own definition for what belonging to ourselves means, but I'll give you mine:

Belonging to ourselves means getting to know, love, trust, and express the truest version of ourselves.

Here are some more official definitions to belonging:

Belong: to be in a proper situation with; to be attached/bound to

Also, to be in longing. Longing: a desire or craving

From etymonline: belong (v.) to go along with, properly relate to

So then, we could understand belonging to ourselves as:

• Properly relating to ourselves

• Having a longing for ourselves

That second one feels juicy. A longing for ourselves. That feels a bit like courtship. Bear with me as I use dating as an analogy.

A dating analogy

Part 1: Getting to KNOW you

When we meet someone we are attracted to, the first thing we do is get to know them. We hang out, ask a lot of questions, and have conversations that help us get a better understanding of who this person is, what matters to them, and whether we want more of them in our lives.

Belonging to Ourselves: Step 1 - KNOW

Part 2: Falling in LOVE

If things go well, we fall in love. We have a sense of longing for the other person, a desire to be in their presence, an appreciation and care for them.

Belonging to Ourselves: Step 2 - LOVE

Part 3: Learning to TRUST

It doesn't end with love, though, we also learn to accept the parts of them that are messy, and hope that they learn to do the same for us. Over time, we discern whether there is trust in the relationship. If the person continues to show up as the person we know them to be, we build trust and grow deeper in our love for them. 

Belonging to Ourselves: Step 3 - TRUST

Part 4: EXPRESSing  ourselves

All along the journey we are exploring ways to express our love and care as well as our needs and wishes in the relationship. As trust builds, we reveal more and more parts of ourselves (usually the messiest bits).

Belonging to Ourselves: Step 4 - EXPRESS

Now, as those of us in long term relationships know, this process isn't linear. Belonging to each other is a long-term process of getting to know the people we are growing into, loving those people, trusting those people, expressing ourselves, over and over. It's a cycle.

The journey to belonging to ourselves

The same can be said for belonging to ourselves. We have to get to KNOW ourselves first. Sometimes our true selves are buried underneath all the masks that we wear in attempt to meet expectations or comply with social norms. Sometimes, accessing our true selves takes some digging. When I began unpacking my people pleasing, I had the realization that I didn't exactly know what I liked or wanted. I had been ignoring my own voice for so long that I couldn't even hear it.

As we get to know our authentic selves, we need to learning to accept and LOVE that self. We often have to push back on expectations and social norms to do this. Breaking through these messages is not easy. I'm regularly amazed at how aware I can be of the stories that have shaped me and how sure I can be that I want to rewrite them, yet how those stories continue keep me small, and hidden, and untrusting of myself. Stories that show us we are not alone help here as does finding others who are breaking through the harmful messages.

As we hold tight to that loving acceptance, we can build TRUST in ourselves. Trust in our resilience, trust in our worthiness, trust that we can show up for ourselves over and over.

With that trust in hand, we practice EXPRESSing our authentic selves. We take what we've learned out into the world, leaving our masks at home.

It's an ongoing process as we learn and grow and change and it's easier and more possible the more support we have on the journey. The more examples we have of people similar to us showing up authentically, the more inspired we are to continue. The more people around us who love us unconditionally, the more encouraged we are to continue. The more we are supported to do this on our own terms, in our own time, the more sustainable the journey can be.

Why bother?

If this cycle sounds like a lot of ongoing work, it is, so why bother? Sometimes it feels easier to belong to the world, to go along with its ways, to go along with its stories. But belonging to the world rather than ourselves comes with a cost - our well-being.

Belonging to someone else or to someone else's story is exhausting, it upholds the status quo, and it keeps us playing out another story instead of imaging and bringing to life our own. If we want to shift the status quo, if we want a world where more people feel comfortable being themselves, we have to be able to imagine that life. We need to energy to craft that story.

Expressing our true selves is one of the bravest and most inspiring things we can do. I really believe this. It's why I love stories about coming into ourselves, as I mentioned in my last newsletter.  I believe that setting ourselves free is one step towards setting the world free. Our freedom inspires others. Our freedom inspires us to want the same for others.

Isn't a life well lived, a life authentically lived? After all, the top regret of the dying, as shared by Bronnie Ware who worked in palliative care, is being who they were expected to be instead of who they were.

When we are able to express our true selves it feels so good. There's a sense of relief at not having to hide. It feels even better when that true version of us is met by others with love and care. We all deserve to feel that.

More of us, please.

So friends, won't you join me here in The Garden of Belonging, on a journey to know, love, trust, and express ourselves? Let's get to know this beautiful patch of garden that holds us while we journey. Let us identify the stories we long to weed out, get to know the cycles, tend to the stories we plant, and watch things bloom. I sure do love analogies!

In later letters I'll share about some of the tools and practices I've used to get to know, love, and trust myself more, knowing that the work will never be done.

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I'd love to hear from you, if you are willing to share:

1. What's something about yourself you didn't know before but do now?

2. What practices do you have for accepting and loving yourself?

3. How do you cultivate trust in yourself?

4. How does it feel when you are able express yourself authentically?